When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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