i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
