Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
