She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
