I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
