I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
