john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
