you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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