but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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