The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
