Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she told me i tasted like america
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
