just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
