As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
