On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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