Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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