Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
