Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
