Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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