you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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