you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
