You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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