Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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