I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
