I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
