everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
