Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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