You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
