hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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