Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
