I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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