ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
