I wish I could teleport
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
