There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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