saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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