Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
