you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
