I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
