btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
