Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
