The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
