Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
