I accidentally had phone sex last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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