My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
