I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
