I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
