The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
