Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
