If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
