I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
