He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
