clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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